A Woman’s Dictionary

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A Woman’s Dictionary

Fine

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right, but can’t stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up.

Five Minutes

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it’s an even trade.

Nothing

This means something and, you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, but a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over “Nothing”, and you’ll have a “Five Minute” discussion that will end with the word “Fine”.

Go Ahead (with normal eyebrows)

This is NOT permission, either. It means, “I give up” or “Do what you want, because I don’t care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine”, and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

[Loud Sigh]

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently, misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

[Soft Sigh]

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. Soft sighs are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a little longer.

Oh

This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example: “Oh, let me get that for you,” or “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night.” If she says, “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell youthat she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to your for at least two days. “Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get you out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow. “Go ahead” is sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them.

“That’s okay”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. “That’s okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead”. Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

“Please do”

This is not a statement. It is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn’t get a “That’s okay.”

Thanks

The woman is thanking you. Don’t faint, and don’t look for hidden meaning. Just say, “You’re welcome.”

Thanks a lot

“Thanks a lot” is dramatically different from “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks a lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the “Loud sigh”. This signifies that you have hurt her in some way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.

Guys, study this!

Mafia Application

Fill out and send to Rikers in New York:

Mafia Application

Whatza u name? ____________________________________

U hage? _______________

Whatza u howza numero? ________

U streeta? _________________________________

Whatza u bag?   Hitta Man? __ Loana Arranger __ Prostitutta __

Izza u girl or boy? (Or izza u girl, OH BOY!) _____________________

Putta downa wearra u worgge now ____________________________________________

Wazza u inna de bigge house? ______

For what wazza u inna de bigge house?:

I shoota one guize______ Keedenap sumbodys ____

Proteksion Raggets _______

U wanna be de bigga shotz sumdaze? Yeah ___ No ___   Eh ___

U likka eat garlic _____   Pizza? ____  Salami? _____

U know how to makka de cement shooz? _____   U driva de car?   ______

Whatta model?   Cadillaca? ____ Buick ____ Linken _____

U sees de Godfather or justa de movie? _____________________

Widde u antry u gonna get sumatings u reely gonna like:

1 pair darka sunglasses

1 blacka shirt widda whita tie

1 pair pointie shooz

1 pair cement shooz (later ifa you foola arounda)

1 “I slappa u faze” button

1 lb mozzarealla cheeza

1 whita hat widda blacka band

1 spumoni (tutti-frutti)

1 8×10 picture Frank Sinatra

GOODA STOFFA!! Ifa u notte sure, I talle u wotte u gette, wizaguy!

Joinne de club now while u still canna write!

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