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Still waiting for my star on the Walk of Fame

I have been a smart ass most of my life.  I remember not being a very good one when I was growing up, but practice makes perfect, and I was just learning.

Here are some of my one-liners (or two) that I use for no other reason than to make people smile.  I don’t have to know the person, either.  I have often said things to complete strangers just to give them a smile or laugh.  We need more of those in our lives, eh?  Perhaps I am an undiscovered comic or a Don Rickles wanna-be.

When asked at a convenience store if I want a bag, my reply is:

“No, I have an old one at home.”

Is there a treatment program for people who are strung out on placebos?

What is the difference between an aceutical and one from a farm?

“How are you?”

I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.


Sometimes if I see a really sexy policewoman (usually at a convenience store), I assume the position against a wall and say, “Please–frisk me and be brutal!”  It always gets a laugh.  So far, anyway.

If I see two or more police officers in a restaurant like a Denny’s or Jim’s, I approach them and say, “Excuse me, but I am the guy you’re looking for.” I pause. “You see, I killed Jimmy Hoffa.”  This, too, gets a laugh and other fun comments from them.  Good thing they don’t take me seriously!

Again at a convenience store, I would see this very pretty clerk often.  One day I noticed she had a new hairdo.  I commented about how nice it looked.  She said, “Thank you.  I like to change something about myself once a year.”   I replied, “I know what you mean.  I do the same thing myself.  For instance, last year I was Jewish.”  She looked puzzled for a moment then said, “You’re kidding me, right?”  LOL!!

Sometimes I see a really attractive woman, and I don’t mean someone under 35.  I like to “make their day”, so I might say one of the following:

  • “Does your mother know where you are?”
  • “Are you old enough to work here?”
  • (if she’s wearing a wedding ring:) “That’s the story of my life.  Every time I fall in love, the woman is already married.”
  • “Aren’t you Miss Texas 1999?”  (or whatever state you wish. This is quite a compliment for them!)


I used to drive a taxi, and when I would pick up a husband and wife early in the morning to take them to the airport, the wife would ask (the husband never asked), “How long have you been driving a taxi?”  I would point to the dash clock and say, “Oh, about five minutes, now.”

As a taxi driver, once I was taking four Japanese men to a hotel from the airport.  They were speaking Japanese, of course.  When the conversation broke, I said I spoke some Japanese.  They, of course, wanted me to speak in Japanese, so I would say, “TOYOTA!  YAMAHA!  KAWASAKI HONDA!”  They laughed out loud!

Again, driving a taxi:  I used to wear fingerless gloves.  I had four young Army folks in my cab.  One was a female sitting in the back. The soldier up front asked me, “Why do you wear fingerless gloves?”  I said, “I have leprosy.”  The cab was quiet for about two seconds, then the girl in the back yelled out, “YOU DO NOT!”  LOLOL!

Or I would say, “I don’t want to leave fingerprints.”  Think about it.

Back in about 1971 when I was in the military, the five-mph bumper first came out.  I was in the PX with a friend and we were in the checkout line talking about cars.  I said, “The only good thing about a five mile per hour bumper is that if you hit something going 60 miles per hour, you only do 55 miles per hour worth of damage.”  Lots of people laughed.  Years later I saw that in a copy of Readers Digest.  Someone sent that in and got paid fifty dollars for it.  Bummer.

One time I was dating a gorgeous lady and we started to go into a convenience store when I saw a sign.  I told her I can’t go in there.  She, of course, looked troubled by this and asked why.  I pointed to the sign that said, “No weapons allowed,” and told her (while doing Karate moves) “My whole body is a weapon.”  She shook her head and chuckled.  She still thinks today that my humor is corny.  LOL!!  Perhaps, but I do make a lot of people laugh.

People in elevators are afraid to speak to strangers.  I like to break the tension.  After everyone is in, instead of asking for a floor, I will say, “Women’s lingerie, please.”  Or Sporting Goods.  Another thing you can do is find out what the top floor is and ask for one higher, then watch as the person near the buttons look for that floor number.  Good tension breaker.  OR–you could say, “Okay! Who cut one?”

In another convenience store, sometimes I was asked if I got gas.  I would say (patting my tummy), “Yes, but I took some Tums and feel much better now.”

Do you realize Tums is really a secret government experiment?  Really.  I mean, read it backwards and realize what it is we really are ingesting.

Last one:  Again, driving a taxi, I picked up four guys who came to town for the Final Four.  As we were headed downtown, the guy up front asked, “Which direction are we headed?”  I pointed toward the windshield and said, “Forward.”

Those are all I can remember at this time, but if I remember more I will add them to this post.