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found on the Internet

Dear Mom, May 30th

Just moved to Dallas/Ft Worth. Now this is a place that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place. I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it’s windy though. Getting used to the heat and humidity is taking a little longer than I expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson, though. Got to respect the ole sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into he car when I left for work this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swelled up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000.00 leather upholstery. I told the kids Morgan ran away. I learned my lesson, though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th

It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it’s 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th

If another wise ass cracks, “Hot enough for you?”, I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

Aug. 9th

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do anything for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th

Welcome to HELL!! Temperature got to 115 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, “Hot enough for you today?” My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.  Freaking Texas! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??